Inspiration: Top 10 Tips on how to stay happily married for a l-o-n-g time

The average marriage in the U.S. lasts between seven and eight years (sad😕). Since we just celebrated our 52nd anniversary and have “lapped the field” a remarkable number of times, perhaps we have some helpful thoughts on the subject of marriage to pass along.

Here are our Top 10 Tips on how to stay happily married for a l-o-n-g time:

1.  Don’t marry someone just like you

Having been together since our teenage years, we weren’t insightful enough in the beginning to know much more about our relationship than the fact that we were in love. (If you don't already know, see more about our backstory here.) But it turns out our personalities align well in a yin/yang sort of way.

Edd is more of an idea person who often can’t be bothered with details. Cynthia is a natural organizer and manages many things well. Edd is the extrovert, while Cynthia enjoys solitude.

Sometimes those opposite tendencies can be a source of irritation, but a marriage with someone just like you could become monotonous and lack flair. Plus, opposite mindsets provide valuable balance. When appropriate, Edd needs to hear, “No, that’s not a good idea,” and Cynthia benefits from a gentle push of “C’mon, let’s do this.”

2.  Turn “me” into “we”

Flipping that “m” upside down to a “w” is more than a cute play on words. Marriage is a partnership, not the merger of two sole proprietorships.

Each person’s unique personality is what adds the “spice” to the recipe. But taken to an extreme, an ego-driven “my way or the highway” attitude is destined to alienate your partner.

Finding the middle ground, the “we” instead of always “me,” supports the greater good you both accepted when you said “I do.” This is perhaps the most challenging yet ultimately rewarding aspect of a long-term marriage. And speaking from experience, the job is never done.

3.  Agree on the big things

Sexual attraction is often the initial connection between two people. But, pleasurable as it may be, a commitment centered only on “chemistry” is being built on thin ice and likely doomed to failure.

Early on, couples need to discuss at length their core values. Satisfying relationships thrive when partners share fundamental beliefs about life. Discovering you have opposing values after matrimony is simply inexcusable.

4.  And don’t forget about the little things

There’s not a lot of effort required to remember your anniversary or spouse’s birthday. It’s the little things—bringing home a favorite treat, giving an unexpected gift, leaving an affectionate note—that add texture and depth to a relationship. Such small gestures demonstrate you’re thinking of your spouse and that you care enough to show it.

5.  Talk and listen

A favorite topic of conversation for many people is themselves. But the more you are focused on you, the less you are paying attention to the other person you’re talking to. Meaningful dialogue between spouses requires attentive listening.

Every so often over the years we’ve spontaneously had seemingly random, free-flowing chats that sometimes last into the wee hours. On the surface these discussions appear to be about nothing. But we now understand what really goes on, perhaps subconsciously, is, we’re listening.

Listening for subtle shifts in interests. Attitude. Or whatever. The point is, we file away little nuances of, “Huh. I didn’t expect him/her to say that.” It’s been one of our secret weapons to combat the scenario of waking up and realizing you don’t know the person laying next to you any more.

6.  Give each other permission to grow

How often we have read or heard about marriages breaking up because “he/she is no longer the person I married.” Well, of course not! And neither are you.

Change is the most constant force in the universe, yet it’s curiously something many of us try our best to avoid. As just mentioned, you both are going to evolve. To grow. This is something to nurture and celebrate, not discourage or criticize.

7.  Put on your “spouse hats”

If you decide to have children, the years rearing them are all-consuming. You’re trying to balance daily life and career demands with a constant merry-go-round of practices, games, recitals, and school activities.

It’s far too easy to get so caught up in being Mom and Dad that you neglect the original roles you signed up for—husband and wife. Yet another element that, if left unchecked, causes couples to slowly drift apart.

Make a conscious effort to take off the parent hats once in a while. It doesn’t have to involve a special occasion or even be memorable. Just plan some uninterrupted time now and then to be together and talk about something—anything—besides the kids. Your marriage deserves attention too.

8.  Pick your battles

There are going to be some things your spouse does that aggravate the heck out of you. The question is, what are you going to do with that information?

Sure, you can point out the disagreeable behavior. But is this a “right” or “wrong” issue, or really just something that’s different from the way you would do it?

Before opening your mouth, take a breath and ask yourself, “What’s more important—me bringing this up, or the relationship?” You will be astonished how often you remain silent.

9.  Don’t let brush fires turn into bonfires

At the same time, allowing a legitimate concern to fester only makes the inevitable conversation (or, most likely, confrontation) worse. Pick a time as soon as possible when you both are relaxed and undistracted. Be kind, and express yourself in “I feel like—” terms to minimize a defensive reaction.

Even if you end up agreeing to disagree, finish it and don’t go to bed angry.

10.  Remember why you got married in the first place

When you are standing at the altar you have no idea what opportunities and challenges lie ahead. But you have decided that no matter what, this person with whom you’re exchanging vows is the one you want to experience them with.

As time goes by all sorts of surprises unfold that bring joy and tears. During the happy moments it’s a blessing to share them with that special someone there by your side. When the going gets rough, you support one another and navigate those choppy waters together.

Throughout the years, be aware that change is the constant. However, what doesn’t change in a long-lasting marriage is your promise to make the relationship work at the highest level possible.

Happy Anniversary to us! Here’s to many more loving years together. ♥️